Electric vs Gasoline: A Satire

The Script

(Opening shot of the car show. A few quick news stories about EV's set the scene. Use real EV model names e.g. Ford Lightning pickup, Tesla Cybertruck)

HOST
Tonight we have on the show a guest who says he has invented a new type of car, an automobile that doesn't use a battery or electric motor.

He calls it the "Gas-o-line" (mispronounced) car, and he believes it will revolutionize the world.

GUEST
Right now the world runs on electricity. Power is efficiently generated at a power plant and then stored in your car for later use. I think that's silly.

My invention is a car that carries a pool of explosive liquid and makes the power right there as you drive along.

A fire, and series of explosions in the front of the car turn heat and expanding gases into mechanical motion, and after a few more steps, eventually turn your tires.

HOST
I see… That IS interesting.

Is your type of car better in some way than electric cars?

GUEST
It's better in many ways. Every way really!

HOST
Tell us more about that…

GUEST
Well Buzz, lets start with parts. As you know the electric motor has only 1 moving part, maybe a few more if you include the drivetrain and brakes.

Gasoline cars will have literally HUNDREDS of moving parts at least 30x what EV's have.

HOST
And that’s a good thing?

GUEST
Myyyy yes! More parts means more things to break, more maintenance, and MORE PROFIT.

But that's not all!

By having a series of thousands of explosions under the hood… not only do you have more parts, you get noise…

A satisfying roar that is runs as long as your car is turned on….

Of course this will need sound insulation, and also fire insulation, to protect you while driving.

HOST
And all that explosive liquid is up there with the engine?

GUEST
No no, we have to keep the gasoline FAAAR away from the explosions.

The explosive liquid, about 15 gallons worth, is kept in a pool under your kid's seat in the back.

HOST
Isn't that dangerous?

GUEST
Compared to electric cars? Yes

Compared to flying? Yes

But that's the price you pay for the extra moving parts and satisfying loud sounds that you also try to muffle.

(As if just remembering) OH!! And a muffler! A special part on the exhaust to limit that annoying, satisfying engine noise.

HOST
What's coming out of that "muffler" thing on the back that makes it so noisy?

GUEST
Ah, that's the best part…

Whereas electric cars produce no emissions in the car itself, gasoline cars will produce a noxious combination of Carbon Monoxide, Carbon Dioxide, Sulfur, Formaldehyde, Ethylbenzene, Benzopyrene, etc.

HOST
Isn't that poisonous to humans?

GUEST
Only if you breathe it in!

As long as you pump the noxious chemicals into the atmosphere behind your car as you drive away, no harm!

Just don't run them in a closed garage or room.

HOST
Well if this kills people in a closed room, isn't the Earth's atmosphere sort of just a "bigger room"?

GUEST
(Laughing) Haha, yes.

With enough cars, sure it would be a problem. But honestly this level of "friendly pollution" will only raise Earth's temperature a few degrees, maybe create some extreme heat and mega-storms… but no death.

HOST
No death?

GUEST
Well, not much death. Acceptable levels of death, spread out all over the population so its not obvious or anything.

Cooommmeee oooonn Buzz… you have to put up with a little pollution and Global Warming to get a ride this cool.

Think of the exhaust as a … "Cologne for the planet"

HOST
Okay so these cars are less safe, more parts, more maintenance, tons of noise, explosive liquid back with the kids, plenty of pollution and global warming.

So what are the ADVANTAGES?

Power?

Speed?

GUEST
Well not quite.

They will be about 1/3 as powerful as electric cars.

Twice as slow on 0-60 or quarter mile, and less torque all around.

Electric is 0-60 in 1.9 seconds.

A gasoline version Mustang GT500 would do 0-60 in about 3.5 seconds.

But that's not the point!

HOST
Speaking of all these differences with gasoline. How much does this stuff cost?

Is it available at my house like electricity or internet?

GUEST
NOOOO it's definitely not available at home. It's explosive, remember!

We will put special gasoline stores along major highways.

HOST
And the cost?

GUEST
A bit more, maybe $60 or $70 to fuel up.

HOST
$60 dollars!!!

I can charge up my Tesla for $7 worth of electricity and that's assuming I don't have solar at my house.

The sun is free after all!

HOST AGAIN
Btw, how big is this engine with all its parts?

An electric engine is the size of a basketball and sits right on the axle.

GUEST
Well there are two answers to that really…

The whole front of the car will be taken up with the engine, battery, alternator, cooling systems, various belts and timers.

HOST
So no more frunk?

GUEST
Correct, the front trunk is gone. That's all engine parts.

But you still have the back trunk!

Now the second part is the transmission and drivetrain.

See it takes a lot of parts to convert an engine (that cannot vary its RPMs by much), into various speeds and to dispatch that power to the wheels.

That requires a clutch, gearbox and a few hundred more parts which go down the center of the car.

HOST
The CENTER OF THE CAR!?

GUEST
Yes, it will all run, imperceptibly, though the center of the passenger compartment.

That's why gas cars have so much less room and space in their passenger compartments than EVs, but its all worth it for that lovely noise.

HOST
So I can't charge up at home and I lose half the space in the car…

They are 10x more expensive to fuel up and maintain.

Are they at least safer in crash tests?

GUEST
(Stares back mischievously)

HOST
Let me guess… gas cars are also less safe in crashes.

Okay... (pauses)

So... gas cars are worse on cost, convenience, safety, noise, pollution, design and maintenance. That all sounds negative, but I think I know where you're heading, the BIG reason people are going to switch to gas.

The energy must come from a BETTER SOURCE!!

Where does this gasoline come from?

I mean, with electric cars we charge at home and the power comes from Nuclear, Wind, Solar, Hydro or some other local resource.

You wouldn't be pushing this gasoline vehicle unless gasoline itself was a better source of energy.

Tell me, where DOES this stuff come from??

GUEST
See that's the best part!

My plan is for all our energy needs to come from the most unstable parts of the world.

I’m talking about total reliance on:

...Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Iran, Angola, and Russia

And to keep the supply of oil flowing to the US, we'll have an endless series of wars in these unstable countries.

(As the host attempts to speak)
No hang on…

Unstable and endless wars!

Be honest Buzz, aren’t you bothered by the fact that Saudi Arabia doesn’t have massive power and influence in our world affairs?

Don’t you wish Iran could cripple the US economy by cutting the supply of energy, or have Russia raise the price of filling your car from $60 to $150, for no reason?

HOST
Again, it only costs $7 to charge my electric pickup truck.

GUEST
Pffff $7… those are amateur numbers!

With gasoline, not only do you pay 10x as much to fuel up, but you also get to pay for all of those foreign wars.  

WIN WIN!

HOST
So why in the world would anyone BUY one of these?

GUEST
Women love them.

HOST
Women love these?

GUEST
Yes, women love trucks that are LOUD, BIG, and spew thick plumes of BLACK SMOKE.

HOST
You're sure? Women like that sort of thing?

GUEST
I don't do it to impress other men!!

HOST
You certainly do sound like a man's man.

Before we go, anything else you want to tell the people at home?

GUEST
Oh yes!

(Turns to camera) (Excitedly)

And the Benzene from gas causes cancer! (Gesture positively with index finger on the word "cancer")

Epilogue (optional)

Discussion of how electric vehicle technology will only get better, improving by 20-30% per year.

In short, today gas cars are the best as they will ever be.

Electric cars are the worst they will ever be.

From here electric vehicles will only improve in quality, price, range, reliability and safety.